Simple Motions
by movingstranger
Summary: Paige McCullers' life, perspective and growth from being a fearful, closeted, self hating person to being happy and comfortable with herself, starting shortly before the 3x11 flashback.
1. Chapter 1 - Null and Void

**A/N:** This is my first fanfiction ever, so, I am very nervous about it. I'll be posting chapters according to the response you have. The story starts shortly before the 3x11 Alison flashback and it follows the events as lived by Paige McCullers - with some slight additions created by me.

As you all know Paige's journey, this story contains a lot of trigger warnings (that I will also add before each chapter), these are some - forgive me if I forget any, and feel free to let me know:

tw: self harm, tw: bullying, tw: blood, tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: self hatred, tw: homophobia.

Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to pretty little liars or any characters in the show.

I hope you guys enjoy it!

#paigemccullersforthewin #pailyanchors

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**Chapter One: Null and Void**

tw: self harm, tw:blood, tw: self hatred.

I

Paige McCullers took a deep breath in before locking her lips with another person's. It felt warm, excessively wet, a little bit suffocating, but inside her mind it only felt numbing, uncomfortable. She had contorted herself to make this date work: told her mother she wouldn't be home late (true), swore to her father her date was a devote catholic (lie), promised she wouldn't wear anything revealing (true) and highlighted how excited she was about it (lie); and now it seemed like all her efforts were in vain. This wasn't even a bit enjoyable, she kept telling herself it was at least a new experience in her life but it didn't make the moment seem more valuable than a lonely penny.

"That was, uh… great"

"Yes, Nicholas, it was great" she tried to smile but wasn't sure if her mouth was turned upright.

"Come on, Paige, you know you can call me Nick" the boy grinned and moved in closer to her.

"_Not again_", she thought. Then she quickly scolded her own mind. "_Why the hell am I so upset about him kissing me? This is the whole purpose of this silly date, right? I'm 15, I ought to be kissing boys. Every girl dreams about first kisses. Breathe, Paige, breathe_". All those thoughts roamed through her head and yet she couldn't wish more that his tongue was done with hers. She honestly felt like choking, and maybe even gagging a bit. Her whole body shivered, which caused the boy pressing her against a tree to fill up his chest, emasculated by what he read as a delighted response to his kissing efforts. Barely did he know that the shiver – now on Paige's spine – felt like stepping into a cold bath without knowing it would be completely chilly, barely did he know that Paige was 15, this was her first kiss, and all she wanted to do was cry.

II

She arrived home strictly at 10:30pm although Nick had almost begged her to stay more. Taking off her purple sandals (of course this was her mother's idea), she carefully walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge and took out a cold slice of bacon pizza, biting it even before she could get a plate to catch the crumbs that threatened to cover her mom's perfectly swept floor.

"So!" the thin voice cut through the silence like a stabbing knife, causing Paige to jump back and point the pizza at the source of sound – which she later realized was as ineffective as dumb in case this was an unwanted guest. "How was the _date_?" the last word was emphasized so that her mother's voice almost died.

"Jeez mom, you scared the crap out of me" Paige's heart was stuck at the bottom of her throat, and she felt her blood rush for the first time this night.

"Watch the language, Paige. Sooo" she definitely sounded like a teenage girl – her daughter thought. "Tell me _all_ about it".

"It was fine, mom" – lie better, Paige – "It was great!", she smiled between closed teeth, "Yeah, definitely" with a head nod.

"Oh, my darling, I knew you and him would make a great couple! When are you going out again?" her mother was almost jumping around the kitchen, Paige wondered if her being single had meant such a burden to her mom.

"Woah, calm down, mom. I don't know yet" her eyes were wide and vivid, panic taking over as she thought her mother was farther happier than her – which definitely wasn't _right_.

"He'll call" Mrs. McCullers grinned. "I'm _sure_ he will".

III

She watched the shadows of her body dance on the walls as she undressed, not caring where the clothes her mother had forced her to wear landed (why weren't her usual jeans and t-shirt good enough for a date? And why her mother dreaded so much her clothing style, specially the flannel shirts and cargo pants?). Completely naked, Paige stood in front of the full body mirror, watching her athletic figure as she turned around, walked towards the mirror and away from it. She cupped her right breast, closed her eyes and sighed, a deep, sharp sigh that seemed to burn through her larynges. She slid her hands through her body and wondered if anyone would ever explore her bare skin, if anyone would enjoy feeling her warmth, if anyone would make of their night's goal to please her… Maybe Nick would, maybe he wanted to do all that. Or maybe he just wanted to suffocate her with his tongue and get into her pants.

But nick wasn't _the _person. He just wasn't right and it made her desperate to not know why he wasn't the right person. After all, she had chosen him quite well; she didn't kiss him without considering he was the appropriated guy; she had made sure he cared at least a bit about her and not only about her lips and body. Still, it wasn't _enough_. She admitted to herself what she was afraid of doing all night: this boy just wasn't enough. His kisses weren't enough to make her heart jump, his strong hands weren't enough to make her feel safe, his voice wasn't enough to drive her mind away from where it was, his presence wasn't enough to make the environment comfortable, he just wasn't enough to make her fall in love or _at least_ enjoy a casual date. What didn't seem to be answered was _why_, why he wasn't right even though he was handsome, smart and funny.

The young girl walked towards her study table (when had she last really studied? She couldn't quite remember. Everything seemed so dark, so void), opened the top drawer, taking a pile of old comic books that concealed what she really aimed for. The metal pencil case's lid was placed to the side, exposing the ripped package of sharp shiny blades, the air conditioner making them colder than they already were. Her long, thin fingers swept across the blades outside the package, following their shapes and tantalizing her senses. _"No. Not tonight"_, she thought to herself, hands in fists channeling the inner desperation that almost knocked down her consciousness. She closed the pencil cage and carefully spread the comics in order to cover the whole extension of it, moving away from the study table she picked up her clothes, enjoying the soft texture of the fabric and comparing it to the texture of Nick's hands.

Paige dressed her batman pajamas and let her body fall onto bed, sighing harshly, actually fumbling at herself. She chewed her lower lips; she felt so angry, so embarrassed, so ashamed of herself, of feeling so lost and so wrong; that she soon could feel the blood dripping down her chin. A single tear rolled down her eyes, she wiped the blood away with her hands, fingers playing with the thick, red wine liquid until it was only but a dark stain in her palm. She hated herself for not managing to be normal like girls her age. She just wasn't normal like Leslie Woods, like Jessica Houston or like Emily Fields. She couldn't be pretty and nice and have a boyfriend like they did, she was all wrong, maybe in her head, maybe in her heart.

The warm marvel blanket covered all her tall frame, and it also knew very well Paige's wishes and nightmares, weaknesses and desires. Her vivid brown eyes were now a shade darker and a salty waterfall streamed down her face, wetting her pillow. She was facing down the bed, trying to not breathe, trying to not think, trying to not _feel_. Unable to hold her breath any longer – she ended up breathing in her own tears – she tilted her head to the side and closed her eyes. Paige was seeking blankness, some dull silent sign of inner peace, but instead, as she slowly fell into slumber, she found Emily Fields' face in the middle of the darkness, staring at her with a smile.


	2. Chapter 2 - Dismantled and Destroyed

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay to deliver the second chapter, my classes started again along with my hectic schedule. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy it! Critiques always welcomed.

tw: self harm, tw: self hatred .

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Chapter two: Dismantled and destroyed

I

She could barely restrain her hands in order to disguise the trembling. Since she woke up she had pretty much kept her hands to herself and/or pressing them together, but as the coffee mug continuously banged against the marble counter she realized her attempts were completely failed.

"Paige, what's wrong? You've been shaking all morning. Do you have a fever?" her mother's worries had grown to a full state of concern.

"No, mom, I don't think so" she looked down in shame, almost as if she was afraid her mom could read her thoughts.

Mrs. McCullers ignored her daughter's words and placed a hand on her forehead, promptly grabbing the thermometer and almost shoving it under Paige's arms. Three minutes of complete silence passed by, interrupted only by the sound of the shaking mug.

"See?" Paige pointed to the digital screen. "I am alright".

"All this says is that you don't have a fever, but I am still concerned about this trembling of yours" as much as the daughter tried, she couldn't shield away from the heavy motherly gaze.

"It was probably just a nightmare I had, mom" she tried to put on her best reassuring face, not sure if it was effective or not.

"Well, at least you'll be able to rest it out since today is Sunday" the older woman caressed her daughter's head and kissed the top of it.

"What's wrong with my girl?" Nick McCullers arrived at the kitchen with his usual Sunday morning smile, speaking with a tone so loud Paige thought her head would blow to little pieces if he kept on that way.

"Nothing important, dad. Just a nightmare". She dipped her head in shame again; this wasn't something relevant for her parents to be worrying about.

"Did you do your prayers last night?" - Her daughter confirmed with a nod – "Then everything will be fine, darling". He too kissed the top of her head.

"Will we have the usual gatherings at 7pm today, honey?" Paige's parents kissed and interacted together as they always did at morning. _"They're so happy. I wish I had this"_, she thought.

"Surely! I expect you two there tonight, we'll have some fine biblical discussions, young people gathering and cupcakes!" he winked to his daughter who struggled to smile back.

"We'll be there!" Mrs. McCullers loved to follow her deacon husband to all the church's events, it made her feel special, important, even if only in the small town of Rosewood.

A range of subjects from the bible to sports filled the breakfast talk, but Paige remained silent, static, so paralyzed that she herself was shocked at the sudden realization that about half an hour had passed and she hadn't thought of anything. Somehow the excited chattering coming from her parents' mouths froze her thoughts, even though she could feel them bubbling inside her, poking the lid that her parent's presence imposed on them and almost reaching the surface. As her father left and her mother settled to focus on housewife matters she dragged herself back to her bedroom, almost unable to lift her legs up and follow a straight line pace.

As soon as she closed the door behind herself the cascade of suppressed thoughts fell all over her, leaking through her mind as if it was an actual fluid - a poisonous one, that slowly took over her brain and body, weakening her limbs and forcing her to collapse her tall frame on the bed.

"_I actually dreamed of __that__". _The image of Emily Field's naked body (as she imagined it, although it had real elements from glimpses in the locker room)was like a thick mist that slowly turned itself into a fog and progressively stained her mind until it was all she could think of. _"No, no, no. This is wrong". _But why did it feel so right?

"I can't be thinking these things… I just can't…" she tried to convince herself, but her mind wasn't actually paying attention to the words of denial that she chanted. "Maybe if I don't fight it, maybe it will go away…"Paige closed her eyes and breathed as deep as her lungs allowed, quickly the scenario was set on her mind: Emily was naked, laying down besides her in a room she didn't recognize, the other girl smiled and caressed her face, Paige shivered at the smoothness of her hand, it felt absolutely wonderful, silky, magical. Now a hand was on her back, pulling her closer. "I just wanted to feel your warmth", Paige smiled and dipped her head, saying in a whisper "You can feel me completely, if you want". They enrolled in a soft, tender kiss, pulling each other close with full want, sliding hands across the others body…

"Paige? I'm gonna wash your black skirt so you can wear with that roses sweater, it's gonna look so nice!" the shouted words ripped through Paige's mental picture, making her realize she was laying down on her own bed, right hand inside her pajama pants, touching the core of her desire.

II

"Did you hear me, Paige?" her mother shouted once again.

"Yes, yes mom, do wash it. Thank you".

With a pull she removed her hand from her underwear. She was panting, heart racing, bowels twisted in a knot, she felt like crying and hitting herself at the same time but all she could do was cry an angry, warm cry. "What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so disgusting. Damn it, I'm so disgusting, I'm so disgusting. Oh my God… Oh God, forgive me, forgive me. What would my father… ?"

She was definitely feeling sick, stomach hurting, sweat dripping down her forehead and before she could realize what she was feeling she got out of the bed with a jump and found herself kneeled on the toilet bowl, a complete and utter mess, vomiting, crying and saying prayers even though she had never really been able to devote to God.

For a split second after the contents of her stomach were emptied she almost felt whole, as if the act of expelling things off her body could actually cleanse her from all the doubts and worries, from all the self hate. It was in fact that thought that triggered her so much: she didn't hurt herself only for the pain; it was also about matching the emptiness she felt inside with the outside, but this feeling of sudden sickness was extremely new and unsettling to her, because she couldn't cope with the pain her own body and mind felt, just the pain she was able to cause to herself.

"I am lost". That was the only thing she was sure of as she was thrown on the bathroom floor, probably looking like a bug under somebody's sole, and that was exactly how she felt: crushed. Crushed because even though her thoughts felt so good, so right, she still couldn't bear to see it as natural or as proper. No one in Rosewood was like that, at least not publicly, if anyone had their… deviations (this was the word religious groups used, but Paige didn't feel comfortable thinking like that, although she feared to think otherwise) they kept them to themselves. Crushed because she had never felt comfortable about thinking of marrying a man and having kids, never felt comfortable about dating many guys – or simply dating guys, never felt comfortable with the whole flirting thing all the girls did, damn it, she just had never actually felt comfortable. And then this crazy dream comes to her mind and she had never felt more wonderful than in this alternative, delusional universe. Delusional, yes, because Emily Fields would never even be her friend, let alone something more, because she just couldn't do these things, she couldn't feel these things, she wasn't this person – she just could not be this person.


	3. Chapter 3 - Other Side

**A/N: **I'm so so sorry for the LONG time that has passed since I posted the last chapter. My life has been really complicated and it ended up causing me a huge writer's block (so maybe if the chapter isn't this good please forgive me). The paily scenes on the last episode made me so happy that I decided I had to overcome everything and keep on writing. I hope you guys enjoy, any critiques (or even compliments, to see if it motivates me) are always welcome!

Again, sorry for the huge delay, I promise I will push myself to overcome these blocks.

tw: self hate; tw: self harm; tw: homophobia.

#pailyanchors

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Chapter three: Other Side

I

Paige McCullers dressed her red long sleeved blouse (although her mother had suggested the cheesy flower sweater she hated), her black skirt and a pair of black Converse, always avoiding the mirror until her mother arrived at the room – flickering the door open, as usual – and, holding her daughter by the shoulders, pointed at the mirror.

"Look at yourself. You look so pretty, dear. Any boy would be lucky to be your boyfriend" the older woman smiled and got out of the room as quickly as she had gotten in.

Why did people always have to make everything in a girl's life about boys and future husbands? Paige was so fed up of always listening to those kind of things, how she had to find a nice Christian man to help her raise their children (according to her parents), how he had to be interested enough but not too interested (according to magazines), how he had to be sweet but also hot (according to girls at school), how he had to bring flowers and quit football games to be with you (according to television). Why couldn't women watch football with them? Why couldn't women be like batgirl, wonder woman, the oracle? Why couldn't they do their own thing without worrying about boyfriends or husbands or _men_?

Still, she did want cuddles, flowers, trips together, eating donuts at cozy diners. Maybe a night out with people her age would help, even if it was at the church, praying under the watchful smile of her father.

"_Damn it, Paige. Do it for the cupcakes"._ She suddenly started to laugh at herself, actually pleased that she still managed to be playful when everything inside her seemed to be gradually crumbling.

"What's funny, dear?"

"Nothing relevant, just me being happy over cupcakes" her laugh was continuous, almost hysterical. _"Something is definitely wrong with me",_ Paige thought.

"Your father told me Edith made the ones we'll eat tonight. Her cupcakes are the best" her mother giggled a bit.

"Then shall we go?" Paige put on her best smile and breathed in sharply.

II

Everything seemed made for a smooth camping night but in reality this was just the "Christian Youth of Rosewood" meeting (fondly called CYR by the members). A circle of teenagers gathered around a small fire outside the church, where the adults had their own meeting. The grass was adorned with little lanterns, bags of marshmallows, red kettles filled with hot cocoa and diverse editions of the holy bible.

Paige arrived there hoping that maybe she would make some new friends or at least take her mind off those vicious thoughts that overwhelmed her; but as soon as she arrived and was handed the guidebook of the meeting she knew everything would be as straining as trying to pass a line through a needle.

The group's leader read a bible passage out loud but Paige wasn't able to focus on anything said, she was taken by the piece of paper she had been given, staring at the words titled in capital red letters: "Christianity and sexuality". She sighed and tugged at the left side of her chest, trying to control the anxious and frightened beating that almost numbed her senses. She wished she could run away from that meeting, from Rosewood, she wished she could be an astronaut and be stranded out there on the open sky, watching as the earth slowly moved, alone and untouched, cold and silent.

"_I can't believe this. I can't believe this"_ a single tear streamed down her eyes, that now consumed by the fire's reflection shined in a soft tone of auburn.

"Paige, are you okay?" a male voice asked her.

"Yes, yes, I am okay. A bug somehow got into my eyes. I guess camping is not for me" she tried to excuse herself with a smile but the Chinese-American boy didn't seem to find it legit at all.

"So, everyone, that was a line of Genesis, the beautiful first chapter where God creates the man and the woman for the man – as you already know" the blond girl said with a sweet smile.

Paige fumed. She was so damn angry at the whole situation. Why did Alyssa have to choose this theme? Why tonight? And most of all, why couldn't she be like everyone else?

"Now I will read another part – Leviticus 20:13 – that talks about same sex relations:

'If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.' "

Paige thought she would choke, her whole body started to tremble and her eyes watered again, she dipped her head and bit her lower lip, trying to breathe, trying to not think. She opened her eyes and scrutinized each and everyone on the group circle, wondering what they were thinking, wondering what they would say, but mostly wondering if they knew about her impure thoughts, her frenzied dreams, if they knew that she deserved to be put to death, to suffer because she had been thinking of what was detestable, and those thoughts devoured all her mind, making her unable to study, to sleep, to eat, to function without feeling that guilt and shame deep down on her guts.

"But do you think God still thinks this way nowadays?" a thin male voice cut through the silence and through Paige's mental confusion.

"Why do you ask?" a curled hair girl inquired.

"Because…" the boy was positively embarrassed and Paige could swear she saw his hands shaking "Because it's the 21st century. And because there are so many gay people out on the world nowadays".

"I think he means like that TV presenter, what's her name?" a girl started whispering to the friend on her side.

"It's Ellen something, I think. She's _actually_ funny. But I don't watch her, my parents don't like me to".

"I've known a gay boy, he was a great cooker" another girl whispered.

"… it seems like they want to be man, by the way they dress, I think it's disgusting" a guy said.

"Yes, it does seem like! God made us girls with womanly bodies so we could have babies and love men, I don't understand these lesbians…" a green eyed girl replied.

"Well" Alyssa's voice was loud and firm, silencing the group as soon as she started "There are some religious groups that defend the idea that we shouldn't consider these parts of the bible…"

Paige breathed in heavily and dug her nails on her right leg, opening a small flesh wound that she didn't seem to notice as she stared at Alyssa, not daring to blink.

"… but the truth is we can't ignore what the scriptures say. We also cannot ignore when the holy book says we should respect every human being – because they are our brothers and sisters, and that we have to welcome them always. So, yes, Kurt, the plan of God is that the woman was made for the man and vice-versa. But we should respect our gay brothers and sisters, even though we know what their destiny will be in the afterlife".

"_Hell" , _as a whisper the four letter word came out of Kurt's lips, the boy looked down, ran his palms through his eyes and stared at his own thighs.

"That is so truth, Lyssa" a brunette smiled and clapped.

"Those were beautiful words. I'm glad I voted you for group leader" a guy agreed.

The mass of voices started to grow and now everyone seemed to have a parallel talk going on, all but Kurt and Paige, the latter listening to every word she could, her panic increasing at the comments that seemed to stab her.

"Love the sinner, hate the sin"

"But they are _so_ disgusting"

"I would never be friends with a lesbian, what if they think nasty things _about me_?"

"Ew, dude, no way I'd have a gay bro"

"I heard Mary's sister is a lesbo… but relax, she doesn't live here anymore"

"… I heard he was kicked out of his house"

"It's so easy, girls just need to find the right guy – a Christian one, of course!"

"They like to show off at their pride thing"

"Them fags gonna burn in hell, just like Kurt here said, right man?"

Suddenly everyone was silent, gazing at each other's inquisitive faces, until all eyes focused on the group leader, that also had a questioning face.

"Paige, wait up, what's wrong?" Alyssa tried to catch up, but Paige was already too far, long legs pacing quickly, black converse strutting through the dried branches, the tall girl disappearing into the night.

She just couldn't bear anymore, she couldn't stand to watch people's faces as they twisted in disgust, she couldn't handle those offensive words – at least not out loud. In that moment she was sure she could stand all the self-hatred, all the harm and all the pain she caused to herself, but she couldn't handle another person – let alone fifteen – saying the offenses the told herself every day, saying that what she had been feeling and thinking was sinful, and that maybe she was on the other side of God's plan, on the other side of what was right.

She was in a living hell and she would live in hell after she died.


End file.
